You can listen to it below. It is 17 minutes of me talking about various things, notably Kanye West, Black superheroes, the South and going to the gym. Super exciting.
I’ve been living in NYC for about 6 weeks now, but I haven’t performed any comedy. I’ve wanted to, but I genuinely haven’t had the time. This week, that changes. While gathering material together, I came across an old set that I wrote awhile ago. I’ve performed it about 4 times and it’s been well-received (especially in its current iteration), but after lots of self-reflection, I’ve just had to admit that I can’t perform it anymore. Simply put, this material doesn’t fit my stage persona and I no longer like it (Liking my own jokes is important to me). Nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to just toss it into the Aether. So here it is.
Background – This set is the lovechild of absurdly terrible online dating experiences and this lecture.
A lot of people down online dating and I admit, I used to be one of those people –that is until I realized what the problem was: I was using free sites. If you use a free online dating site 7 out of every 4 people you meet will be crazy. That’s more than 100% percent! Before I realized this, I was using all the free sites – Craigslist, OkCupid, plentyoffish –and I was meeting all the crazy people. I noticed this, but I was always in denial–until I came upon the site cuntsforchrist.com. When it comes down to it, it really doesn’t make sense that I joined CFC; after all, I’m an atheist. However, when I visited that home page and saw that woman dildoing herself with that blasphemously modified cross, I didn’t have much of a choice. I had to see what was up. Her vagina.
So I enter the site and set up my profile. To keep in line with the site’s theme, I made my username John the Baptist and my bio said, “I get people wet.” That sounds offensive but when you’re using cuntsforChrist.com, I think you’ve already committed to being an ass, so you might as well go all the way. Immediately after I completed my profile I got 5 messages, from 5 different people! I was really impressed because the site only had 7 members, including me, so my chances of getting laid seemed pretty high.
I read through the messages and all of them were pretty strange but I had to get some action. The one I ended up acting on was the one from this user named Mary. It read, “Your alpha, my omega, one hour from now. Bring lube and watermelon. “ P.S. Don’t keep me waiting. I might get raptured away.”
Right then I should have exited the site, cleared my history, pulled up some porn, jerked off, then cleared my history again like a normal single person, because she was obviously crazy, but I just had to know why she needed the watermelon. So I gathered the materials (Conveniently I had all of them on my dresser) and headed over.
I arrive there and we immediately start fucking. I was really relieved because for the most part everything was normal. She did wear a bible around her neck, but it was just a bible, so I could deal with that. Things didn’t get weird until I was about to come. As soon as I made the announcement, she screams, “Wait, are you saved?!?!” I’m like, “Why do you need to know that?” She says, “Dude, I need to know because I’m trying to have a soulgasm.” I asked her, “What the fuck is a soulgasm?” She goes, “A soulgasm is an orgasm bestowed upon you and your partner by the lord. The only stipulation is that you both have to be saved to have them . It’s in the bible. See? -Mark 11:9 ‘Blessed are those who come in the name of the lord.’” On one hand I was relieved because I now knew why she wore that damn bible- apparently this situation came up a lot- But on the other hand I was terrified because she was obviously crazy. I desperately needed an escape plan. Sadly, I couldn’t think of anything. Like Wesley Snipes, I was simply in too deep. Thus, I did what any atheist in that situation would have done: I gave my dick to Christ. I know that sounds blasphemous, but she had J.C. tattooed on her crotch, so I actually did give it to him/her.
So after that I went home, cancelled my membership at cfc, joined Match.com, then bought some matches. Many burnt fingertips later, I entered into a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I’m really happy now, but I have one lingering regret: I never asked her what she did with that watermelon.
So yeah, that happened. I find it humorous, but why would anyone ever sit through that without dying? Not even I find it that funny. More importantly, it’s just not good. It’s self-indulgent, it’s got a weird pace and it’s unnecessarily offensive. I guess the real reason why I posted this is because I want it to stand as an eternal monument to how I’ve developed as a comic. It took awhile, but I finally realized that good stand-up comedy isn’t solely about being clever, which was my primary aim when I wrote this. A host of factors are necessary to create [and perform] good stand-up. A self-critical attitude is definitely the factor that developed later in my [amateur] comedy career. Good material also developed slowly, but whatever. Aisha Tyler follows me on Twitter now; that means something, I think.