I’ve been living in NYC for about 6 weeks now, but I haven’t performed any comedy. I’ve wanted to, but I genuinely haven’t had the time. This week, that changes. While gathering material together, I came across an old set that I wrote awhile ago. I’ve performed it about 4 times and it’s been well-received (especially in its current iteration), but after lots of self-reflection, I’ve just had to admit that I can’t perform it anymore. Simply put, this material doesn’t fit my stage persona and I no longer like it (Liking my own jokes is important to me). Nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to just toss it into the Aether. So here it is.
Background – This set is the lovechild of absurdly terrible online dating experiences and this lecture.
A lot of people down online dating and I admit, I used to be one of those people –that is until I realized what the problem was: I was using free sites. If you use a free online dating site 7 out of every 4 people you meet will be crazy. That’s more than 100% percent! Before I realized this, I was using all the free sites – Craigslist, OkCupid, plentyoffish –and I was meeting all the crazy people. I noticed this, but I was always in denial–until I came upon the site cuntsforchrist.com. When it comes down to it, it really doesn’t make sense that I joined CFC; after all, I’m an atheist. However, when I visited that home page and saw that woman dildoing herself with that blasphemously modified cross, I didn’t have much of a choice. I had to see what was up. Her vagina.
So I enter the site and set up my profile. To keep in line with the site’s theme, I made my username John the Baptist and my bio said, “I get people wet.” That sounds offensive but when you’re using cuntsforChrist.com, I think you’ve already committed to being an ass, so you might as well go all the way. Immediately after I completed my profile I got 5 messages, from 5 different people! I was really impressed because the site only had 7 members, including me, so my chances of getting laid seemed pretty high.
I read through the messages and all of them were pretty strange but I had to get some action. The one I ended up acting on was the one from this user named Mary. It read, “Your alpha, my omega, one hour from now. Bring lube and watermelon. “ P.S. Don’t keep me waiting. I might get raptured away.”
Right then I should have exited the site, cleared my history, pulled up some porn, jerked off, then cleared my history again like a normal single person, because she was obviously crazy, but I just had to know why she needed the watermelon. So I gathered the materials (Conveniently I had all of them on my dresser) and headed over.
I arrive there and we immediately start fucking. I was really relieved because for the most part everything was normal. She did wear a bible around her neck, but it was just a bible, so I could deal with that. Things didn’t get weird until I was about to come. As soon as I made the announcement, she screams, “Wait, are you saved?!?!” I’m like, “Why do you need to know that?” She says, “Dude, I need to know because I’m trying to have a soulgasm.” I asked her, “What the fuck is a soulgasm?” She goes, “A soulgasm is an orgasm bestowed upon you and your partner by the lord. The only stipulation is that you both have to be saved to have them . It’s in the bible. See? -Mark 11:9 ‘Blessed are those who come in the name of the lord.’” On one hand I was relieved because I now knew why she wore that damn bible- apparently this situation came up a lot- But on the other hand I was terrified because she was obviously crazy. I desperately needed an escape plan. Sadly, I couldn’t think of anything. Like Wesley Snipes, I was simply in too deep. Thus, I did what any atheist in that situation would have done: I gave my dick to Christ. I know that sounds blasphemous, but she had J.C. tattooed on her crotch, so I actually did give it to him/her.
So after that I went home, cancelled my membership at cfc, joined Match.com, then bought some matches. Many burnt fingertips later, I entered into a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I’m really happy now, but I have one lingering regret: I never asked her what she did with that watermelon.
So yeah, that happened. I find it humorous, but why would anyone ever sit through that without dying? Not even I find it that funny. More importantly, it’s just not good. It’s self-indulgent, it’s got a weird pace and it’s unnecessarily offensive. I guess the real reason why I posted this is because I want it to stand as an eternal monument to how I’ve developed as a comic. It took awhile, but I finally realized that good stand-up comedy isn’t solely about being clever, which was my primary aim when I wrote this. A host of factors are necessary to create [and perform] good stand-up. A self-critical attitude is definitely the factor that developed later in my [amateur] comedy career. Good material also developed slowly, but whatever. Aisha Tyler follows me on Twitter now; that means something, I think.